It is my pleasure to be here with you this morning. The theme of today's conference "Expanding Your Horizons" gives us the opportunity to explore a wide variety of topics: including needs, values, and relationships. Using Maslow's hierarchy of needs as the basis for our discussion today, I will try to outline ways individuals, especially widows and widowers, can find meaning in their new role and identity.

MASLOW'S HEIRARCHY Abraham Maslow believed there was more to life than just rewards and punishments. Maslow was a humanist. He and others have suggested that there are basic deficiency needs that have to be met in order for individuals to be motivated. He suggested that each lower need had to be completed before the next need could be met.

The first need is physiological. This includes hunger, thirst, and bodily comforts. In other words we need water and food. In our industrial society, most of us have these needs met, however, sometimes; we still find a large number of individuals who are going without food. Just the other day, I had a call from an older lady who had purchased her medications and didn't have enough funds for food for the month.

The next level is safety. Maslow contends that we need shelter. But he goes on to suggest that we also must feel secure and out of danger. Again, we often find individuals who are being evicted because of lack of funds, inappropriate behavior or whatever. Even more concerning are the individuals who do not feel secure because of abuse by children or others, domestic violence, or exploitation either emotionally or physically.

The next level is belongings and love. We all have a need to be accepted. We want to be loved and associate with others. We are uncomfortable when we are lonely. Maslow suggests that we have a great need to escape loneliness and that we do not want to be alienated from others. He contends that we all want to give (and receive) love. He says we desire affection and that we all want to belong.

We all have esteem needs. To feel satisfied, self confident and valuable, Maslow suggests we all need a stable, firmly based, high level of self-respect. We also need respect from others. If these needs are not met, we feel inferior, weak, helpless and worthless. We all have a need to achieve, be competent, gain approval and recognition.

When our deficiency needs are completed, Maslow contends that we are ready to move on to meet our growth needs which are the top four needs on your handout. Growth needs focus on the individual's inner self.

Originally, Maslow had only one growth need, known as self–actualization; however, the model has been revised. Today, the first growth need is cognitive – or the need to know, to understand and to explore. This need enables us to develop competencies and character.

The second growth need is aesthetic. At this level of growth, we develop a sense of order. We look for the beauty of things. And we understand symmetry. Life takes on a meaning beyond material things.

The third growth need is self-actualization. People who reach self-actualization experience self-fulfillment and realize their potential. Individuals are able to be creative. Self-actualized people: a) are problem-focused; b) have an ongoing freshness and appreciation of life; c) are concerned about personal growth: and d) have peak experiences. These individuals recognize “who they want to be and what they are capable of being”.

The last growth need is transcendence. Individuals have the ability to help others find self-fulfillment and realize their potential to help. Individuals experience a spiritual love. They are very accepting and understanding of the greater world around them. These individuals become more wise (they have developed wisdom) and automatically know what to do in a wide variety of situations.

Experts agree that Maslow’s hierarchy may not be the only way to explain motivation and human needs. However, there seems to be agreement that the need for autonomy, the need for competence, and the need for relatedness all exist.

So what does this have to do with widowhood? I would suggest that for many of us what happens in widowhood is that our deficiency needs, namely esteem, belonging and love, and possibly our safety needs are challenged. According to Maslow, we have to start at the bottom and can not move from one level to another, until that level is satisfied. Therefore, a person who might be at the self-actualized level in their marriage suddenly finds themselves only partially satisfied at the belonging and self-esteem level. They find themselves having to meet these deficiency needs, again. Support groups can help to do this.

One way to do that is through support groups which help us to belong. They also help to re-establish self-esteem. Other people have similar experiences to ours. Support groups create the format “for developing a sense of belonging”.

To get beyond this level, widows and widowers need to substantially alleviate the pain they are feeling and to get comfortable with their new single status. Once they are comfortable, they can develop a circle of friends and a new social life. They can become active again and are ready to develop social relationships again.

In a social relationship, we begin to again satisfy the belonging needs. As we make more intimate friends, the process of satisfying our self-esteem needs occurs. What enables us to re-develop self-esteem and begin to become self-actualize again is the opportunity to meet people, to get to know each other, discover common interests. We move even closer when we take the important step of going as a couple or a group of two, rather than as a group.

Intimacy is an important relationship that changes in widowhood. In a marital relationship, we allow another individual to enter our personal space. Personal space is defined differently for each of us. Culturally, we all come from very different backgrounds. Some of us will only allow others to “shake our hand” and maybe give us a “pat on the back”. Other people will allow you to hug and kiss them briefly; while still others will engage in long embraces and numerous other acts of endearment. Allowing others to enter our personal space is not something, we as Americans do very well.

In a marital relationship, we not only share personal space, we also share “common space”, such as the house, a bedroom, closets. Furthermore, through mutual love and respect for each other, we gain meaning, as well as an identity. In widowhood, we lose this daily intimacy and we have to look for other ways to create a new identity. For some of us this happens as we become known as “so and so’s widow”. For example, Jackie Kennedy, even thirty years later was often referred to as “the late widow of John F Kennedy”.

For others of us, intimacy provides us a self-identity – we are John’s wife, the mother of John’s children, the wife of an attorney or a businessman or the husband of Jane, the mother of our children. In a marital relationship, we get re-affirmation of who we are and how we relate. Even if the person is sick, in a nursing home or unable to communicate, we still have the presence of that person to confirm our identity. Sometimes people tell me even if they don’t communicate (or they can’t communicate) with their spouse very much, their mere presence is confirmation of an intimate relationship. There is always that feeling of “someone being there for me”.

Another problem is how people view widowhood. In widowhood, we are still the same person, but the daily affirmation of who we are is now missing. It creates a void for us. And we are now faced with replacing that intimate relationship. Relationships take work and they are hard to develop. I once had an older professor tell me “she had very few new relationships”. Now, this was a well individual who did not have any major health problems, was secure in her marriage, and was an accomplished professor at her University and well respected in the community. She was a person who I would say on Maslow’s hierarchy was probably self-actualized, if not transcendent. And yet, she was saying, “I don’t develop new relationships because they take too much work.

So in widowhood, we take an individual who may have been self-actualized or transcendent and now experiences some deficiency needs and we are telling them to “develop new relationships”. Relationships are scary and they take many risks on our part. After, we thought we had a secure relationship, we have to “again” expose some of our inner feelings. We have to risk insecurity. And we have to be willing to share space and intimacy with someone “new”.

What makes relationships so hard? There are a number of things. One thing is that relationships can be defined as “cold” and “warm”. The cold relationships are associated with severe authority, competing material interests, differences in class or socio-economic status and so forth. More co-equal relationships, love and nurturing and acceptance of who the “person” is, rather than what they represent characterize a “warm” relationship. (Theodore Caplow – Two Against One, 1968, p 101)

We have all had the experience of being with someone who is just “fun”. We feel comfortable, accepted and that we do not have to prove to that person who we are and what we want to be. When one of my sister’s was widowed a number of years ago, she told me she really liked being around my younger sister and her boyfriend, because if she felt like “talking about John, her late husband she could”. She felt “great about that her ramblings, because they didn’t judge her, they didn’t make her feel guilty for dwelling on their relationship”. And what she liked even better was that “if she didn’t want to talk at all she didn’t have too – Pam was just there”. Again, we see that affirmation that she was struggling with trying to develop a new identity, but that intimacy is a critical part of that development stage.

We all desire “warm” relationships, but sometimes we are in family or work, or social situations and based upon the other individual’s personality, as well as our own, we now enter a triad relationship. Triads are especially troublesome in widowhood.

Triads almost always are successful if there are two people in the relationship who have a “warm” relationship. A “warm” relationship provides for an easy friendship. Rarely do we find successful triads with people who have “cold” relationships because of the nature of authority and competition. What happens even more frequently is that “cold relationships” tend to dominate our relationships with others. Sometimes, when we reflect on our relationships with others, we see them as “not good experiences”.

But people in triads always seem to have trouble. Three things can happen in a triad. First, the stronger member will control the weaker member – a great example, I recently had by niece and nephew for three weeks with my own seven-year-old. My seven-year-old is a pretty strong individual and was always intimidating the little girl, who has very low self-esteem. She was constantly in tears and we as parents were constantly looking for “how can we manage this situation”. Second, everyone in the triad tries to control the other two – we, as individuals are always looking for ways to “get our way” or influence the outcome of the group. Last, by the very nature of a triad there is the opportunity for two people to join together and try to force the third person to assume their goals. We often say, “majority wins”. So when we are trying to decide to even go to a movie and there is disagreement -- what do we do – we vote “ to see who wins”.

In widowhood, people often act as if you have a “disease” and that it is somehow “catchy”. Our behavior patterns are often characterized by avoidance or marked restraint. Often, we have a relationship with someone, but it tends to be reserved or at best one of respect. Even more frequently, we experience a lack of an intimate relationship with someone. Even worse for many people, relationships are only a “joking” relationship -- they usually leave us very empty and not very satisfied.

In my opinion, developing a sense of intimacy and belonging is probably one of the most difficult aspects of widowhood, we not only have difficulty meeting the need on Maslow’s hierarchy for intimacy and belonging, but we also are unable to develop meaningful relationships for a wide variety of reasons.

There is a major difference in how men and women develop relationships. Men, it seems are often more able to develop meaningful relationships than women. That is usually ascribed to the fact that men “look for different things” in a relationship than women. In there search for identity in a relationship, men more often seek companionship, someone to do things “with” and someone with whom to partner.

Women, as more nurturing human beings, on the other hand want someone to take “care” of them. Women tend want a “wholeness” in their relationships. Women are also more selective about whom they want to develop a relationship.

Another factor in widowhood that can promote relationships iw how close physically we are to someone (ie neighbors, live in the same city, etc). There is research to suggest that the closer we live to someone, the more likely we are to discover things about each other such as feelings, interests, and abilities. Individuals who live, work, or socialize together tend to have more interpersonal relationships. The closer together people are, the more they tend to “like each other”. People who like each other tend to share the same values in such areas as politics, money, and community.

So where are we going? And what makes widowhood an especially interesting opportunity to expand our horizons?

The first thing, I would like to suggest is that even though Maslow’s hierarchy suggests that our deficiency needs are building blocks and that one builds upon the other, a self-actualized or transcendent individual does not loose that wisdom and ability of realizing one’s potential simply through widowhood. Widowhood may force us to re-evaluate certain needs and to find new ways to meet those needs.

As we re-define who we are in widowhood, we go through a process of learning to see ourselves as others see us. Our self-concept is derived from interactions with other human beings. Years ago there was a book written called “I’m OK, You’re OK”. The conclusion of the book is that we all think and respond to others based upon our perception of how other people perceive us. We measure ourselves and how we are doing in life using a set of goals and values that we have assimilated from those around us. The ultimate motivator for human adults is often seen as the need to maintain and develop one’s self-concept and one’s self-esteem. We do things which are consistent with how we see ourselves. We avoid things which are inconsistent with how we see ourselves. We strive to feel good about ourselves. And we avoid situations which must us feel bad about ourselves.

The process of searching for ourselves is life-long. As we have new experiences, feelings and impulses, we continually change our self-concept. In widowhood, we experience new challenges and feelings as well take on new relationships, new roles, new communities and new experiences. These experiences can be constructive and growth producing or they can be constrictive and limiting. We are all human beings trying to make sense of who we are and where we are in our environment.

Another thing to review in widowhood is our relationships, our needs and our goals. As we figure these out, we can then determine what types of groups we want to affiliate with in our new role as a widow.

Generally, we join groups that have clear objectives that are similar to our own. Our success with the group is usually determined by how well our goals complement those of the group.

Let’s take a look at some of our needs. 1. Companionship – With a goal of friendship, the type of group we would select would be a friendship group. This may be neighbors, friends, dinner clubs, and social groups at church. These are people with whom we identify, whom we want to be close to and who we want to have fun being with when we are together. What happens here is we are meeting our need for belonging and love on Maslow’s hierarchy.

2. Love and affection. Our goal here is sexual and emotional support. We are looking for a group that will provide us with the opportunity for marriage or family relationships. Our goal here may be to change from our status of widowhood back to married. We are also looking for someone with whom we can share our intimate feelings, our fears and our joys. We are willing to allow this person (or persons) to be very close to us. We are willing to take lots of risks. In this need, we are trying to meet the needs of belong and love on Maslow’s hierarchy.

3. Achievement. Our goal here is recognition and promotion. We are looking for opportunities where we can be recognized for our knowledge and expertise. This recognition can come from our peers either though a work situation or through a leadership position in a volunteer organization. Rather than risk sharing our feelings, we are looking to use our skills. In this goal, we are looking a meeting the needs of belonging, as well as meeting some of our esteem needs on Maslow’s hierarchy.

4. Knowledge. Our goal here is a diploma, a degree or an honor for work that has been done. The means to accomplish this goal is relatively simple. We join educational groups. These can be a local institutions of higher learning; church study groups; community education programs at senior centers,, hospitals or other institutions offering learning opportunities; the internet or discussion groups. Here we are simply looking to give meaning to an internal need. On Maslow’s hierarchy we are working on the cognitive and/or our esteem needs to be competent.

5. Public Recognition. Our goal here is to be in an elected or appointed office. The easiest way to accomplish this goal is to affiliate with political groups. But we can accomplish this need in many ways in addition to politics. Many local churches, non-profit organizations, schools, and volunteer groups can provide us with the opportunity to be publicly recognized. We are looking to not only belong, but we are also looking to have our esteem needs met on Maslow’s hierarchy.

6. Competition. Our goal here is to win. One of the best groups to join to meet this need is an athletic team. Athletes tend to have various types of competition be it skiing, bike riding, swimming, and more. Other types of competition that people enter are things like the Ms. Senior Colorado Pageant, piano recitals, and others. The need to achieve and be competent meets Maslow’s hierarchy need of esteem.

7. Aggression. Our goal here is to defeat the enemy and to dominate the group. Probably the best group to join here is the military. For most of us in this group, this is probably not a very realistic option. However, there might be other groups that we could consider. For example, if we seriously were concerned about the environment, peace and justice, the death penalty, terrorism, abortion, and other types of social “goods”, we might join groups that were aggressively engaged in winning the majority to their “moral persuasion”. For example, I saw a number of older persons involved in the protest against terrorism on the steps of the State Capitol recently. When we join this type of group, we are looking to satisfy possibly a safety/security on Maslow’s hierarchy, as well as possibly, some esteem needs to gain approval and recognition.

8. Altruism. Our goal here is the well being of others and helping the under-privileged. The types of groups we should join are social service groups and volunteer groups that work with a wide variety of issues such as kids, single women, elderly, and more. The opportunities to get involved in these types of groups are abundant. We are most likely trying to meet our needs of belonging and love on Maslow’s hierarchy when we join this type of group.

In widowhood, joining groups is one way to get our deficiency needs on Maslow’s hierarchy.

Maslow believes the only reason people can not be self-actualized or move on to the top four levels is because of barriers placed upon them by society. He suggest that teaching and respect promotes personal growth. He believes that we can teach the following:

1. People can be taught to be aware of their inner-feeling voices 2. People can become world citizens and get beyond their own cultural upbringing 3. People can discover their vocation in life, their calling, their fate or their destiny. He believes this is especially true in finding the right career or right mate. I would also suggest this true in finding the right role in widowhood. 4. People can learn that life is precious, that joy is to be experienced in life. He believes that if people see joy and good in life, they will see life as worth living. 5. Individuals must learn to accept themselves and to learn there inner nature – listen and feel what is in your gut – Using a person’s skills and limitations, we can build upon an individual’s potentials. 6. The individual’s basic needs of safety, security, belonging and esteem are met. 7. People can be taught to appreciate beauty and other good things in nature and in living. 8. People need to understand that controls are good. It takes control to improve quality of life. 9. People need to learn to separate out the “things that are not important” from the “things that are serious problems in life”. They need to concentrate on the serious problems in life. 10. People can learn to make good choices. Often it takes practice. What this leads to is choosing between one god and another. Maslow goes on to suggest there is a link between the individual and religion or spirituality.

Achieving Maslow’s growth needs of the need to know and understand; aesthetics, self-actualization, and transcendence is a challenge for most of us. As human beings, we are constantly challenged by the power to experience meaning. The ability to experience “meaning” is interwoven by values, purposes, and understandings. Meaningful experience is of many kinds. There is no single quality that may be designated as the one essence of meaning. Meaning occurs at many different levels with many difference experiences for every individual.

This next section I will talk briefly about six fundamental patterns of meaning based on human understanding. I frequently hear from people – life doesn’t have any meaning – life has lost all meaning -- life is not worth living. In the last three weeks, I have had three people who have either threatened or attempted suicide. They experience an emptiness in their life – Emile Durkheim called it anomie. He suggested that without meaning, people had no purpose to live.

I think sometimes widowhood brings on some of these types of feelings for individuals. Individuals experience feels of emptiness, of loss of purpose, and worthlessness. In this next section, I would like to explore the many types of meaning that exist and help you to understand that “meaning” is what enables us to meet growth needs described by Maslow. Furthermore, as Maslow stated above, we can teach people personal growth.

The first pattern of meaning is symbols. Individuals experience meaning through language, mathematics and other symbols primarily experience this. Meaning is also experienced through gestures, rituals, rhythmic patterns such as dances and the lie. We have socially accepted rules and ways to express and communicate meaning. To a larger or smaller extent, everyone engages in this level of meaning to express ideas and communicate with other people and about other things. We all talk to each either verbally or though our body language. This meets Maslow’s fifth level of our need to know and understand.

The second pattern of meaning is empirical. Using science, we explore the physical world around us, other living things and man. We gather facts, theories, and generalizations. We try to explain our world of matter, life, mind and society. Using various rules of evidence and verification, we explain the world around us. We answer such questions as “why it rains, landing on the moon, linking the world with computers and many others”. This level also meets our need to know and understand on Maslow’s hierarchy.

The third pattern of meaning is esthetics. We express ourselves through art, music, dance and literature. We contemplate the significant ideas, themes, visions and other things in our environment. We either create these ourselves or we study and appreciate the work of others. We try to create order and to enjoy beauty using esthetics. This meets Maslow’s sixth level of need.

The fourth pattern of meaning is personal knowledge. The individual has a “direct awareness” or a “relational insight” . We often refer to this as “being able to see the big picture”. The person “gets it” in relation to themselves, to others and to things. This begins to meet Maslow’s seventh level of self-actualization. The individual is reaching a level of self-fulfillment and to realize one’s potential.

The fifth pattern of meaning is ethics. The individual has a moral obligation to do certain things. The individual subjectively understands. The individuals makes a free, responsible, and deliberate decision to behave in a certain way. These levels of awareness of an individual begin to approximate Maslow’s description of self-actualization.

The last pattern of meaning is integration. The individual is able to combine history, religion, and philosophy in a meaningful way. The individual uses facts, the arts, and personal knowledge to create meaning. Religion provides the ultimate meaning and philosophy provides the basis for analysis, evaluation and synthesis to interpret all different types of meanings and their relationships. This last level which is achieved by very few of us is Maslow’s last level or transcendence.

In summary, the goal of life is to live each moment with freedom, honesty, and responsibility. By doing this we experience the joy and gratification of the task. Recently, I said to a friend who had lost her husband of 40 years as she was suggesting “he had so many things he wanted to do in retirement and he didn’t have a chance”. My response to her was “but for him – the process was as important as the task – the process had “meaning”” -- he loved to organize. But even more, he loved to get all of the paraphernalia needed to organize. For him “meaning” and subsequently “personal growth” came as much with the joy and gratification of organizing the task, as in actually doing the task.

In widowhood we reach a level of wisdom -- we learn that the uncertainty of time teaches us the most important lesson of all – that the ultimate criteria are the honesty, integrity, courage and love of a given moment of relatedness is the most important thing. The qualities of freedom, responsibility, courage, love and inner integrity are ideal qualities, never perfectly realized by anyone. They are only goals that we live by to bring order and meaning to our humanness.